Personal finance isn’t the most exciting topic in the world (unless you’re a nerd like me). So for this post I thought I would scour the internet for some of the best money jokes I could find.
I hope you have as much fun reading these financial jokes, quotes, and one-liners as I did in putting them together!
Money Jokes – Quotes, Jokes, and One-Liners on Personal Finance
Money Jokes: On Relationships and Marriage
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage. – James Holt McGavran
1. Wealth – any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one’s wife’s sister’s husband. – H.L. Mencken
2. Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. – Ambrose Bierce
3. There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage. – James Holt McGavran
4. Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache. — Mae West
5. It’s money. I remember it from when I was single. — Billy Crystal
Money Jokes: Jokes About Being Broke
6. Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets. – Jerry Seinfeld
7. Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. – Oscar Wilde
8. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. – Earl Wilson
9. The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any. – Katharine Whitehorn
10. When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet. – Nick Arnette
Money Jokes: Budgeting Jokes
You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. – Josh Billings
11. I don’t want money. It is only people who pay their bills who want that, and I never pay mine. – Oscar Wilde
12. People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage. – Doug Larson
13. You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. – Josh Billings
14. Carpe per diem – seize the check. – Robin Williams
Finance Jokes – Quotes, Jokes, and One-Liners on Business and the Economy
In case you weren’t aware, there is actually an economist who does stand up comedy! Here’s his most famous bit on the ten principles of economics. If you’ve ever taken an economics class in college, prepare to question all of your assumptions…
15. Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college. – Bill Vaughn
16. Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. – Herbert Hoover
17. If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion. – George Bernard Shaw
18. Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. – Sam Ewing
19. The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters. – Jean-Paul Kauffmann
20. I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself. – Ronald Reagan
21. A Mathematician, an Accountant, and an Economist…
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks “What do two plus two equal?” The mathematician replies “Four.” The interviewer asks “Four, exactly?” The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says “Yes, four, exactly.”
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question “What do two plus two equal?” The accountant says “On average, four – give or take ten percent, but on average, four.”
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question “What do two plus two equal?” The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says, “What do you want it to equal”?
Income Tax Jokes (for Accountants?)
The Best Way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream. – Bill Murray
22. Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today. – Herman Wouk
23. It’s tax time. I know this because I’m staring at documents that make no sense to me, no matter how many beers I drink. – Dave Barry
24. The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. – Will Rogers
25. The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream. – Bill Murray
26. Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases ‘revenue enhancement’. Not so. No one was fooled. – Dan Quayle
27. The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money. – IRS auditor
Jokes About Money and Happiness
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be. – Rita Rudner
28. Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. – Jackie Mason
29. Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be. – Rita Rudner
30. All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy. – Spike Milligan
31. Wealth is not without its advantages, and the case to the contrary, although it has often been made, has never proved widely persuasive. – J. K. Galbraith
Business and Finance Jokes
If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem. – JP Getty
32. Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need. – Will Rogers
33. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. – Bob Hope
34. Finance is the art of passing money from hand to hand until it finally disappears. – Robert W. Sarnoff
35. Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work. – Robert Orben
36. Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence. – Max Amsterdam
37. If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem. – JP Getty
Stock Market and Investing Jokes
38. There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can. – Mark Twain
39. Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. – Groucho Marx
40. Q: How do you make a million dollars in the stock market?
A: Start with two!
41. October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February. – Mark Twain
42. I’m actually not sure how much money I have. But I do know how many pounds of money I have. – Ron Swanson
Other Money Jokes
Money Joke One-Liners and Puns
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work.
43. We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules. – Buzzie Bavasi
44. I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work.
45. I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
46. I had my credit card stolen the other day but I didn’t bother to report it because the thief spends less than my wife.
47. I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
48. Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back.
49. I saw a bank that said if offered 24 Hour Banking.” But I didn’t go in. I didn’t have that much time.
50. A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.
51. Always play with other people’s money!
52. The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they’re smart.
53. If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.
54. The most successful investor was Noah. He floated stock, while everything around him went into liquidation.
55. The most successful female investor was Pharaoh’s daughter. She went to the Nile bank and floated a prophet.
56. Finance Joke – Big Test
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “A dollar per point.”
The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.
57. Money Joke – 3 Questions
A man who needs legal help goes to a lawyer’s office. After being escorted inside, he sits across the desk from the lawyer. The man needs legal help, but he wants to make sure he can afford it first. “Can you tell me how much you charge?” he asks.
“Of course,” the lawyer replies, “I charge $800 to answer three questions.”
“Don’t you think that’s an awful lot of money to answer three questions?”
“Yes it is”, answers the lawyer, “What’s your third question?”
Thanks to the following, who were the source of some of these jokes: