Losing a spouse is unlike anything I had experienced before. I’d been with my fiancé for 18 years when he died in a cycling accident, and I was shocked at how it affected me. In the Western world, we don’t talk openly about grief. It’s like a dark shadow on a conversation.
These are some ways to help you avoid mistakes as you navigate the aftermath of losing a beloved spouse.
1. Feeling Pressured To Make Decisions
Whether your partner had a prolonged illness or passed suddenly, you face a multitude of decisions at a time when you’re barely coping. Family members may pressure you into making decisions you’re not mentally equipped for.
My advice? Stand your ground. Give yourself a timeframe for prioritizing decisions. There’s no rush to go through your spouse’s clothing, but making financial decisions may be the priority, depending on the circumstances.
2. Making Life-Changing Decisions Too Soon
If you can, put off making life-changing decisions like selling your house. It’s hard, I know. All the memories are in your home, and it’s painful. If possible, delay making major decisions for at least a month. Give yourself time to process the shock of losing your spouse and adjust to your new life.
3. Throwing Items Away Too Soon
This mistake is one of the most common. I threw or gave away so much too soon and regretted it later. You may think you’re acting rationally, but the brain knows otherwise. If it helps, make piles of clothes and other items to keep, throw away, or give to a charity and then walk away for at least a few weeks. You may have a complete change of heart about what you’re keeping.
4. Thinking You’re Coping
At first, you may feel numb and detached from the reality of the situation. That’s often confused as coping, and people say you are brave. Grief has its own path, and it’s different for everyone. Give yourself time and practice self-care. Eventually, you will naturally develop coping strategies, but for now, recognize that your brain is trying to adjust to your new reality.
5. Failing To Notify Financial Institutions
The amount of “stuff to do” when someone passes is overwhelming, and it’s easy to overlook the essential tasks. First, notify the bank if your spouse had a separate account. They may freeze the account so no further payments are taken out. Contact credit card companies and services your spouse may have subscribed to.
6. Thinking All Grief Is the Same
Your spouse is likely the one person who “got you” and gave unconditional love. You had your inside “code” and jokes and could understand what the other wanted with only a look. It’s the person you spent the most time with and with whom you shared a life. Others may compare your grief with theirs. Losing a grandmother or even a parent is still a significant loss, but when you lose a spouse, you lose the future you planned together.
My advice is to seek a specific grief support group for those who have lost a spouse. A support group helped me immensely in my worst moments, and the local groups got me out of the house.
7. Trusting the Wrong People
Losing a spouse can make you feel vulnerable. You lost your right-hand person and feel alone in the world. Sadly, some unscrupulous people take advantage of the vulnerable, and they’re not always strangers. Seek those who offer unconditional support like your closest friends or family. Avoid anyone who wants something from you.
8. Allowing Others To Dictate How You Grieve
Other people’s insensitivity to your grief might shock you. Megan Devine wrote an excellent book titled It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand. Megan lost her young husband in a drowning accident when she was in her thirties. Later, a neighbor asked Megan, “Why are you still grieving? It’s been three weeks.” There is no timeframe for grief. It does not follow a straight line. Even now, almost four years later, I still miss my fiancé and have days when the loss feels unbearable. Nobody has the right to tell you how to grieve or how long to grieve.
9. Not Giving Your Grief the Respect It Deserves
When I first lost David, I joined several Facebook groups for widows. I was shocked to read posts from men and women who’d lost their spouse three, four, or 10 years ago talking about how they still grieved. I recall thinking, “That won’t be me!” How wrong I was.
At first, grief is unwelcome, but in time, it becomes familiar and a bit less prominent. The pain of grief becomes less raw, and one day, you feel better for the first time.
10. Getting Into Another Relationship Too Soon
Loneliness can feel overwhelming, even when surrounded by family and friends. Perhaps all your friends are married or in relationships, and you feel like a third wheel. It’s tempting to think you can fill the space in your heart with a new person, but jumping into a relationship too soon can make the loss seem worse than being alone.
11. Thinking You’re Too Old To Start Again
Starting over can seem daunting if you were with your spouse for a long time. Whether you’re forty, sixty, or eighty, you have loved and been loved once, so it is possible to experience love again.
Grief is exhausting. Your nervous system is overloaded, and everything feels like too much effort. Give yourself some time. Start new hobbies. Surround yourself with like-minded, supportive people. One day, someone wonderful may walk into your life exactly when you’re ready.
12. Trying To Hide Your Grief
Pretending you’re OK and trying to be cheerful is a way of protecting your friends and family. Anyone who hasn’t lost a spouse has no idea that you don’t “recover” in the strict sense of the word. You adapt and move forward rather than moving on.
Give yourself permission to grieve. In the early stages, grief may overwhelm you unexpectedly. It feels uncontrollable as we struggle to contain it. In time, that passes. Talk to a grief counselor who will help you find ways to express and release your grief.
13. Sharing Your Grief With Unsupportive People
Choose your supporters carefully. Not everyone is sensitive to losing a spouse or navigating grief. Occasionally, people can be downright crass. Walk away from those who do not support you because there are plenty that will.
14. Expecting People To Understand and Step Up
The consensus among widows and widowers is that the people they expected to step up don’t, and that was my experience, too. Strangers or people we don’t know well may become our strongest supporters. People tend to rally around the first few weeks, but drift away. My closest friends have become the ones who stuck around.
15. Thinking About What You Could Have Done Differently
The “What ifs” may drive you crazy at first, but it’s a perfectly natural response. I’d asked David not to go out on his bike that day, and my last words were, “See you later.” Accept that you will linger on what you could have done that might have changed your current reality. In time, like everything else, it will pass.
If you’ve lost your spouse, wife, husband, or partner, you are not alone. Find support and know that one day, the sun will shine in your life again.
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